Topic Spill

Where my ideas meet reality.

My First Turkey – Diary

If you haven’t already, check out part one of this story. My First Turkey And Why I’m Terrified Of It. 10:30 pm

I took the turkey out of the bag, washed it, removed the plastic bondage from it’s ankles, and looked for the giblet bag. The first unbecoming thing to happen was my turkey queefing. I’m not even kidding, it did it two or three times. I look inside and there’s no giblet bag. There is however a very profane looking specimen stuffed in there. My fella insists that it is a turkey neck. It more closely resembles intestines or a shaft. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it’s a neck. Either way it’s getting cooked so I’m hoping it’s not intestines. 10:40 pm

I coated the turkey inside and out with butter and an herbal rub. I poured two cups of water in the bottom of the pan. I covered it in foil and put it in the oven at 350. I’m gonna let it cook at this temp for an hour before going to bed for the night. For the record if at any point in time during the story I say “I” and referenced touching the bird, chances are I didn’t actually do that part. I was really trying to muster up the courage to touch this fowl but it made me wanna vomit.  Raw uncooked whole bird still gives me the heebeegeebees. Instead of watching me suffer the love of my life did all my dirty work. He’s awesome like that and I’m thankful for his help. I was gonna keep this a secret but if you noticed the man hands in picture number two chances are you were already on to me.

9:00 am

I realize my turkey wings and legs are dehydrated and that the temp probe hasn’t popped. Oops! I guess I shouldn’t have slept in! Oh well, I baste the turkey as best as possible and bump up the temp to 350 for 30 minutes.

9:30 am

The probe still hasn’t popped and I don’t have a thermometer. I Google how to tell if it’s actually done. Poke it with a fork and watch the clear juices poor out. Remove the turkey.

11:05 am

My fella starts carving the turkey. Everything is going great until we find the missing giblet bag! Who in their right mind stuffs the intestines in the neck hole? If I’m looking for a bag of shit I’m looking up the bird’s ass. I go back to my handy dandy Google to find out if my turkey is ruined. Today must have been my lucky day! According to The USDA as long as the giblet bag is made of paper and not plastic you are safe. Crisis adverted!

4:00 pm

Serve my beauty to my guests.

11:11 pm

So far no reports of food poison or other stomach complaints. I’m not sure if this counts as a job well done but I have officially survived my first turkey!

Quick Tips for other noobs reading this:

1. Don’t listen to people who tell you to cook your bird overnight! I’m the kinda person who needs to watch my food while it cooks or it ends up looking like that over tanned NJ mom.

2. Check both holes before cooking your turkey. If you accidentally cook a plastic giblet bag you have to throw away your entire turkey! Don’t make this mistake!!!

3. If you find a profane looking thing in the turkey’s ass don’t ask your Facebook friends if it’s a penis. It’s not. It’s a neck and apparently makes a rather tasty gravy. (That thought scared me so the “neck” did NOT touch my homemade gravy.)

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