Everyone knows that no girl is complete until she owns her very own amputee. But that isn’t even why I bought my amputee. He’s actually a little young for me so he’s really not mine. He belongs to Emiliablo. We were walking around Toys-R-Us looking for a birthday present and we were having a hard time picking between “The Princess and The Popstar” Barbie, “Prince Liam”, or a Moxie Boyz Doll “Pirate Jaxson“. So we bought both of them. Emiliablo decided that the prince was better suited to for an arranged marriage so we are giving him away to his bride tomorrow at the Birthday party.
By now you are probably wondering what all this has to do with buying an amputee. Well we didn’t know we had. Emiliablo, like any other respectable toddler, decided to rip off her pirate’s boots. That’s when we realized he was a double amputee; he had no feet. Don’t even think about saying, “Well any good pirate has at least one peg leg.”
These are not peg legs. This is a lame excuse for not knowing how to stick a boot over an amputated foot. I feel like I’m the victim of a bait and switch. Not once did my cashier at Toys-R-Us inform me that my pirate did not come with feet. I even dug the box out of the garbage to make sure my selective vision hadn’t struck again.
No such luck…
So buyer beware Moxie Boyz Pirate “Jaxson” has no feet. Thank god Emiliablo didn’t inherit my foot fetish. Or did she? Ask me in 16 years. Or on second thought don’t.
Anyways, here’s Jaxson’s “feet” or “peg legs”.
I would take him back to the store and get my money back but Emiliablo apparently isn’t concerned by the lack of feet on her boy Barbie. Note how she doesn’t care that he’s not actually a Barbie. All Barbies are Barbies like all cats are Bobos or how all blankets are nights. So Jaxon is now known as boy Barbie.
Oh yea, and one more thing while I’m at it. Boy Barbie is missing a chunk of hair. I don’t even know how this happened. We owned him for less than hour before he lost a chunk of hair in an epic battle with Davy Jones and nearly got entirely scalped. I swear we can’t own anything nice around here!
Update: Shortly after writing this a friend of mine on Facebook told me that these dolls look like Bratz. I apparently had no idea that the same company made Moxie and Bratz dolls. We actually boycott Bratz because they don’t present a healthy body image for young girls. I’m not a hardcore feminist. We buy Barbies and other dolls but for some reason Bratz just always bothered me more than the other brands. So we’ve actually never bought a Brat doll.
According to my friend Bratz don’t come with feet! Whodathunk it? So whatever, I’m the last person to know since we’ve been boycotting these dolls for all these years. But I have to say it, “WHAT THE FUCK?” I was going to give MGA Entertainment the benefit of the doubt and assume these were just really poorly made peg legs. Turns out they have some strange repulsion to feet. I don’t know man, it’s just a new reason for me to never buy these dolls. Who wants a freaking doll with no feet? What happens when you lose your shoes? I can’t believe these stupid dolls are so successful. What’s wrong with us all!?!
I wouldn’t even publish this now that I know the truth but at this point I’m committed. So yeah… forgive me for this hot mess? Do you buy these dolls for your kids? How do your kids deal with the lack of feet?
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